We had fun. It was nice. I was so proud of my girl.
I left Lexi’s school and headed to a funeral across the street. My BFF’s Grandma died Monday night and her funeral was today. Kortney (my BFF) was very close to her Gram. They had a relationship that you might only have with one person during your whole life. Needless to say, Kortney is crushed. And because I love her so much I am crushed for her. I wouldn’t have missed the funeral for the world.
Even though the last time I was at that funeral home was the day I buried my son.
I thought I was prepared. I knew it wouldn’t be easy to walk through those doors, but I had NO idea just how hard it would be.
I walked in, took a breath and as I breathed in that smell the memories came rushing back and I felt like someone was standing on my chest. I walked right back out the door, pulled my phone out of my purse and called my mom. I often call her when I’m having a bad day and she somehow always makes things better.
Well, today she didn’t answer. (Guess she was working or something. Psh.) So, I had to convince myself I was going to be okay. After a few seconds I decided I could do it and turned around and walked back in the door.
I made it a little farther this time. I got my funeral program and signed the guestbook. But, as I entered the chapel area and saw the casket I couldn’t make myself take another step. That’s where his casket sat two summers ago. That’s where I stood and looked at my baby for the very last time. That was the worst day of my life. And it felt like I was facing it all over again.
So, guess what I did. I turned around and walked out. I wanted so badly to leave. I knew Kortney would understand. But, I also knew that I owed it to her to be there. So, once again I walked back inside. This time I found a seat next to a total stranger, who I would have let hug me, if she had tried. I sat there waiting for the service to start…begging my tears not to spill over. And somehow I made it.
That is, until I heard the all too familiar words…
I know your life
On earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the devil
You were no stranger to the rain
Go rest high on that mountain
Son, you work on earth is done
Go to heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and Son
Oh, how we cried the day you left us
We gathered round your grave to grieve
I wish I could see the angels faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing
Go rest high on that mountain
Son, you work on earth is done
Go to heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and Son
And the tears came without asking.
As soon as the service ended, I made a bee line for the door. I ran to my car. Ran. I felt like Forrest Gump…like I could just keep on running for years for no reason at all, but instead a sat in my car and did the “ugly cry.” You know? The kind of cry where if anyone saw you, you would be embarrassed? Well, that was me for about 20 minutes.
Gosh, I just didn’t know it would be so rough. I was very caught off guard. Being in that place really brought up a lot of past emotions for me. This has been the hardest “Jack day” I’ve had since I can remember.
Anyway, I managed to pull it together so I could deliver Subway to my girls for lunch. The secretary at the front desk of Kelsey’s school tried to get me to leave her lunch in the office so she could pick it up on the way to the cafeteria, which would have made a lot more sense than interrupting her class, but I looked at her desperately and said, “I really need to see her.” She probably thought I was nuts, but she allowed me to take the lunch to Kelsey’s classroom. I peeked my head in to let the teacher know I was there and as soon as I saw Kels, I burst into tears. I told her I was having a hard day. That I really missed Jack and that I really loved her. And she totally got it.
I’ve got really cool kids. All three of them.
Anyway, I know time heals, but I also know that there will be a hole in my heart for the rest of my life. Until the day I see Jack again, there will always be things, and places and memories that take the wind out of my sails. And I guess that’s just part of the journey I’m on. I’ll always miss my boy, but I also have soooooo much to be thankful for.
Today was just a really, really hard day.










